<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I Can't Stop by euphorules</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091327">I Can't Stop</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphorules/pseuds/euphorules'>euphorules</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Euphoria (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, tics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:13:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,903</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphorules/pseuds/euphorules</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I-I-It’s just...I can’t. I can’t stop, Jules. I can’t--” desperate gasps for air. “You have to help me,” Rue finishes in a panic. Her head jerks to the side suddenly, ripping another breath from her throat. And then she’s blinking so hard Jules worries it’s hurting her.</p><p>“Woah, hey. Slow down,” Jules says as she gets up from her bed and carefully moves toward Rue. “You can’t stop what?”</p><p>or</p><p>Rue is having an anxiety attack and can't stop her tics, so she goes to Jules for help. (Takes place after the first kiss)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rue Bennett/Jules Vaughn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Can't Stop</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jules isn’t sure how long she’s been laying in this position, sprawled out on her bed staring at her ceiling, gently running her fingers back and forth over her tingling lips. The ones who had kissed Rue...when? Minutes ago? Hours? Days? She isn’t quite sure, but considering the fact that it is now pitch black outside, it’s safe to assume it’s been a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In her head, she curses herself for how she reacted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rue </span>
  </em>
  <span>kissing </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It felt like a far away fantasy, out of the realms of reality. But at the same time, it felt like the most grounding experience she’d ever had. So in the moment that she had...frozen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And what a goddamn waste it was. All those times Jules had thought about kissing Rue. She imagined the warmth of her lips, the softness in her touch, the hesitance, the eagerness. It was exactly like she’d always dreamt of it being. But instead of the relief she was expecting to follow...she felt fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’ll never forget the horrified look on Rue’s face when she realized what she did, the shaking in her hands, the panic in her voice. In fact, replaying that scene in her head over and over is what finally caused her to call Rue, though of course she didn’t answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was hours ago, she thinks. And now here she lies in her bed, pretending like she’s not waiting for the sound of her phone vibrating with a call from Rue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Perhaps Rue had called. Maybe she just didn’t hear it. But right when that thought crosses her mind and she goes to reach for her phone, she hears hurried steps coming up to her door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jules sits up frantically, holding her breath, waiting. Is it her?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jules?” her dad calls through the door. She feels her shoulders slump.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Throwing herself back down on her bed a little harder than was necessary, she whines, “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence follows her query, accompanied by quiet mumbling and shuffling around in the hallway outside her door. She’s about to impatiently stomp over, jerk it open, and angrily ask her dad what he could possibly need from her this late at night, but then she hears it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Three soft-knuckled knocks. “...Jules?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rue?” she says before she can think. Before she can realize that her heart has skipped at least five good beats at this point.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jules sits up quickly again when the handle moves and the door slowly opens. In steps a mass of curls and long, gangly limbs. Jules watches with increasing worry as she sees that Rue is shaking, like proper trembling, and how quick she is to shut the door behind her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for coming back here, but I-I just don’t know where else to go,” Rue rambles as she refuses to move away from the door. She looks the same as she did just earlier, though significantly more disheveled. Jules can only watch as the girl clenches her fists in an untimely fashion, the way she’s gasping, her eyes blinking rapidly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sight alone makes Jules’ heart break, knowing Rue’s anxiety is completely consuming her, but she still once again is frozen in place at Rue’s presence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“U-Um, it’s okay,” Jules finally manages to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I-It’s just...I can’t. I can’t stop, Jules. I can’t--” desperate gasps for air. “You have to help me,” Rue finishes in a panic. Her head jerks to the side suddenly, ripping another breath from her throat. And then she’s blinking so hard Jules worries it’s hurting her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah, hey. Slow down,” Jules says as she gets up from her bed and carefully moves toward Rue. “You can’t stop what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“T-” her head jerks downward this time. Three times in a row, actually. “Ticking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Jules remembers Rue telling her about this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rue’s anxiety is bad. Like, really, really bad. And having OCD mixed in with that is nothing but a curse. When Rue was first getting sober, Jules picked up on this little thing she did. Whenever she was stressed, she would jerk her head to the side, let out a little squeal in the back of her throat, and blink into the corner of Jules’ room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did it several times before Jules finally asked her what she was doing, to which Rue explained that she had these tic attacks that would at times swallow her whole. But Jules had never seen it in action, just a few ticks here and there. And she had to admit, it was scary to see.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite her fear and general lack in knowledge of what to do in this situation, Jules quickly makes her way over to Rue. “Oh, honey,” she says sadly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m--” Rue’s head jerks downward again. And again. And again. Then a small squeal. “I’m s-sorry, Jules.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jules doesn’t respond to that, Rue’s apology not even worth her time. Instead, she carefully holds Rue’s wrists, knowing it’s useless to try and unravel her clenched fists. “Shhh, let’s go sit on my bed, yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rue finally lifts her head to look Jules in the eye. She’s aggressively chewing on her bottom lip, tears streaming from her panicked eyes, but she manages to nod before her mind forces her head to jerk down again, but this time is harder than the others. She makes a small sound of pain at the movement, but that doesn’t stop her from doing it again. This can’t be good for her neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, come on,” Jules encourages as she shuffles Rue over to her bed. Jules leans back against the headboard and holds her arms open for Rue to join her, but Rue stops in her tracks.<br/></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck!” Rue hisses as her neck jerks to the side harshly. She balls her fists up by her sides and closes her eyes impossibly tighter, tears forced down her face. She gasps three times before finally opening her eyes and blinking into the corner of Jules’ room. A pitiful sob rips from her throat.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules quickly stands up again to meet her, grabbing both sides of her face and trying to make her look Jules in the eye and not in that stupid corner. “Hey, it’s okay, honey. Just relax.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” her head jerks backwards this time. “I can’t, Jules. I have to. I have to get it right. I have to do it right!” Rue says, sounding more frantic as time passed.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s when Jules realizes that telling her to relax is practically pointless, because Rue had tried to explain to her how her OCD works before. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No matter what anyone can say or do, Rue’s poor, messed up head will not allow her to look away from that corner until she looks at it right, or breathes at it right, or blinks at it right. But that's the sick part about OCD. Because no matter how many times you try to do it right, you never will. Because that “right” way doesn’t exist. And it never has. So you’re left in nothing but a suffocated loop, unsatisfied with the very thing you’ve done one hundred times over.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It’s...exhausting.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So Jules figures it’s her best option to go along with Rue’s mind and play into its sick, twisted games.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules wraps Rue in a hug, being sure that she can still see the corner of the room over her shoulder. Rue is stiff in her arms, but Jules knows it’s grounding her, so she doesn’t pull away.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we lay down on the bed and then you can get it right?” Jules whispers into Rue’s ear that moves suddenly with every jerk of Rue’s head.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue manages to shake her head in response before continuing to blink and gasp. “No,” she says before she releases a small squeal. “No, I have to do it right before I can lay down. O-Or I’ll die. Or my mom. G-Gia. Someone will get sick…” she rambles, making no sense to the world but making perfect sense to her head.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh,” Jules hushes as she rubs Rue’s tense shoulders and nuzzles into her neck. “They’ll be okay. I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jules, I can’t…” Rue says, tears in her voice. Her head jerks down against Jules’ shoulder over and over until she starts making sounds of discomfort with every spasm.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Jules agrees. “How about you do it kind of right three times in a row, and then we can lay down on the bed until you get it right right?” she suggests quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue hesitates, seeming to consider this option. Making the decision to agree to this must be hard for her because she’s soon sobbing, shaking profusely. Her head jerks to the side, bumping Jules in return, but Jules doesn’t mind.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Jules. I-I don’t think I can,” she cries, and she’s so desperate for comfort, relaxation, love, that she’s able to unclench her fists enough to grab the front of Jules’ shirt, though she balls it up immediately.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You can, baby. I know you can,” Jules says over Rue’s weeping. She starts rocking them side to side, hoping the continuous motion will relax Rue more.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-You promise? They w-won’t get sick?” Rue says through hiccups.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules pulls back slightly to cradle Rue’s cheeks, soaked in heartbreaking tears. She wipes them away before kissing Rue’s right cheek, then her left cheek, then her forehead, and finally her chin, just the way she likes it--or needs it, rather. “I promise,” she whispers.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue pants heavily at that before nodding, though her head still jerks to the side with a tiny squeal.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules gives her a sad smile before pulling her back into a hug, continuing to rock them. “Now, take a deep breath, and do it as best you can, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“O-Okay,” Rue whispers before going back at it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It takes several more minutes before Rue finally decides they can lay down, but that doesn’t stop her ticking and constant trembling. She’s shaking like a fucking leaf when she finally curls up against Jules’ chest, still in the view of the corner that she’s trying to “get right.” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules can’t even imagine how mentally taxing something like this must be, so all she can do is brush Rue’s curls away from her face and shush her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They lay there for another 15 minutes before Rue, sounding so terribly tired of all of this shit, says, “Jules, I can’t get it right.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey,” Jules whispers, terribly exhausted for her. “What is it that you’re trying to do?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue shrugs, continuing to blink and gasp at that dreaded corner. “I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you know,” Jules says as she runs her thumb over Rue’s knitted eyebrows, trying to smooth out the tension there. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it for so long, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue agrees, Jules knows she does, but she can tell that Rue is almost embarrassed to tell her what her stupid mind it trying to achieve by causing her to jerk and blink and gasp the way she is. She probably thinks it sounds irrational, which it is, but that’s just part of the disorder. It’s obsessive and it’s constant and there’s no backing down to it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After a few more tries, Rue finally admits, “I have to look in the corner. But not just in the corner, I have to look right in the center,” she explains as she points. “Like the corner corner. And then I have to blink 7 times while keeping my eyes right in the corner. So like, I can’t move my eyes. They have to be looking in the corner corner every time I close and open my eyes or it doesn’t...work.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” Jules encourages, though Rue’s logic isn’t making any sense. But it doesn’t have to. It just has to make sense to Rue.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And like, when I finally do it, I have to breathe deeply 3 times. But like, I have to breathe to the bottom of my lungs every time. And I have to like gasp, for some reason. I have to feel myself gasping,” Rue continues, most likely aware that none of this is reasonable but unable to stop herself from explaining it anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay,” Jules responds.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That earns a wet chuckle from Rue, whose shaking has decreased considerably. “You don’t have to pretend you get it, Jules.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right,” Jules agrees as she rests her chin on Rue’s head and rubs up and down her arms. “I don’t get it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get how much it means to you to get it right.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue chews on the inside of her bottom lip as she ponders this, almost unknowing to the fact that her head jerks down again. “I guess…” she finally answers.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How about this?” Jules begins, leaning back a little to look into Rue’s glossy eyes, still blinking harshly. It must be hurting her at this point. “How about you count the blinks and breaths out loud? That way you’ll stay focused and you won’t mess it up.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue nods, and says in that quiet, high-pitched voice Jules loves so much, “Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And Rue does just that. Jules can tell that the counting is really helping to ground her, though the sound of Rue saying the same numbers over and over again was driving her a bit crazy. And after she hears Rue say the words, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. One, two, three,” at least 20 times, she finally cuts in.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you gotten it yet?” Jules asks, though still patient with her tone.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue stops counting. “...Kind of.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue chews on her lip again. “Like, I got it, but now my brain is telling me I have to do it three times in a row because I messed it up too much.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules' heart shatters into a million pieces at that. This disorder truly is never ending for Rue. But she can’t let Rue live another second of this torture, so she turns Rue over until she’s physically unable to see that fucking corner anymore and hold her close.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby, you don’t have to do all that!” Jules argues gently. “You’ve been working so hard to get it right. You can’t do this to yourself forever. Because soon three will become five and five will become ten and so on.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But--”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re exhausted, honey,” Jules interrupts, not letting Rue dig herself deeper. “Let’s just relax now, okay? We can enjoy ourselves, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue completely hides her face in Jules’ neck. “I’m sorry I kissed you today,” she whispers out of nowhere.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It catches Jules so off guard that she’s silent for longer than necessary. The mention of the kiss sends her heart racing again, which she’s sure Rue can feel. It feels so fresh in her mind, yet years in the past.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you sorry?” Jules finally manages.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I ruined everything,” Rue explains, muffled by Jules’ skin. “And it's going to be weird now.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Rue,” Jules says with a bit of humor as she leans back to look down at Rue’s sad eyes. “Are you kidding me? Things are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to be weird because of that. Look at us right fucking now for god’s sake!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue giggles at that, wiping away the last of her tears with the back of her hand instead of her fingers, the way Rue does. It makes Jules smile.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I just...I reacted weird because I wasn’t expecting it. But that doesn’t mean that...I haven’t thought about kissing you myself…” Jules admits shyly, her cheeks heating up. She’s looking down at her own chest now, unable to meet Rue’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Really?” Rue asks, staring up at Jules, though Jules is too embarrassed to meet her gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I just...never did.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So...you still love me?” Rue asks with such innocence, Jules is forced to meet her eye. Forced to communicate to her that there was no chance Jules could ever feel anything but love for her, though neither of them quite know what that love means, exactly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules holds Rue’s chin, while Rue reaches up to tuck a hair behind her ear and cradle her face. “Of course, I love you, Rue. I meant what I said. I...I hate everyone else in the world but you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rue starts panting again. “I love you, too,” she says with such relief Jules can almost feel the weight being lifted from her shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And after a moment of hesitation, they kiss. For the second time today, but Jules will pretend it’s their first. Because Rue’s lips are so soft and warm against Jules' own needy mouth. They move together so effortlessly, so gently. Almost as they are scared the other will jump away if they take it too fast. But it’s just enough.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally pull away, resting their foreheads together, Rue of course thinks of something to completely lighten the mood.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to ruin this genuine moment or anything, but my head is killing me from all that blinking.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jules giggles in response and sneaks a quick kiss to Rue’s smiling lips before saying, “I guess it’s about time we turn in, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Both of them are sound asleep just minutes later, holding each other with a love they can’t quite describe, but know they sure as hell need.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my first time writing for Rules, so comment and let me know if you guys like it! <br/>I'd be happy to write more if people would actually read it haha &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>